WARNING: I’m about to go off. If you’re under about 13 you may have heard some of these words on the play ground. Do not repeat them. If you’re over 13 and your parents don’t kick your butt for saying them, they should. If you’re an adult and you get offended easily, bummer. Welcome to […]
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Rant: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Jan 6th 2009 by

WARNING: I’m about to go off. If you’re under about 13 you may have heard some of these words on the play ground. Do not repeat them. If you’re over 13 and your parents don’t kick your butt for saying them, they should. If you’re an adult and you get offended easily, bummer. Welcome to the internet, I highly recommend you don’t click past the break. If you are a prospective employer of mine, please understand that this is done out of love for my community and please consider it a showing of my passion for my hobby.

First off let’s take a look at what just sparked this. Here’s a shiny new app that just hit the app store:

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And here’s my take on the description:

iFlatulator is a Digital Sound Entertainment application bringing endless fun and laughter to your iPhone and iPod Touch.

WTF ever this is a Digital Sound Entertainment application. Bullshit. This is nothing. It is less than nothing. It’s not entertaining (unless you’re a young boy or a drunken college kid). If you’re anything above the puberty stage this is absolute nonsense crap. If it is funny – it lasts for about 3 seconds until you realize you’re an idiot.

Right for any occasion, the iFlatulator app is what everyone needs. Not sure which Fart is right for the occasion? Just shake your iPhone and it will randomly select one for you just like the real thing!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Right for any occasion?! Really. Which fart noise says: My best friend just got married and I’m giving the best man speech right this second? Which one says: I just spent the last 7 years earning my doctorate in theology and I’m shaking hands with the dean? Any occasion? Which one best says: Uncle Billy just had a stroke and I’m calling his wife to let her know?

Reality is this was funny for about a minute. iFart Mobile started this whole genre on the iPhone and it deserves to be at #1 (for a couple days) simply because it was one of the applications that busted down part of the Apple wall of control. However, even IFM’s time is short. These applications are a novelty sure, but do we really need almost 60 of them? Let me ask you something else. How many morons do you really think there are in the app store buying things? I mean seriously. iFart Mobile made $30,000 in ONE DAY. Do you really think there’s going to be 59 applications that do the same thing that bring in that kind of cash? NO. There’s no possible way. You missed that gravy train. Go invent something original.

So here’s my plea to everyone who is out there putting finger to keyboard in XCode. If you’re considering making one of these applications: DON’T. Don’t make a farting application, don’t make a flag waving application, don’t make an application that tells me how many days are left until july 4TH. Why?

Here’s why…

  • First off they prove you’re not serious about what you do (granted that’s not always a bad thing) but it shows me you could care less about the quality of your work.

  • Second, it proves to me you have absolutely no value in your products and you’re just on the iPhone to try and scam as much money as you can in the shortest time possible. Take a look at most of these fart app developers – either this is their only app, or they’ve got a bunch of noisemaker applications. Almost none of them have contributed one valuable application to the store.

  • Third, you’re helping to devalue the entire platform by contributing crap. There’s 10,000 applications in the app store. I would say about 7,000 of them are absolute crap. And not even crap that smells like crap. How’s this – when you can make a fart application that not only sounds like I shit myself, but also makes it smell like I shit myself… I’ll be the first one in line because then you’ve actually accomplished something.

    • As it is right now you’ve accomplished nothing worthy of being impressed by. Big deal – you’ve used a picker wheel and wired that to a sound file. WOO-DI-DOO. If I had to I could do that and I can’t hardly tell you anything about programming. Some of these apps are nothing more than going into interface builder, dropping some Round Rect buttons, putting a bit of text on them and then connecting that to an IBAction which determines which button was pressed and triggers the correct sound file. Woop-di-fukin-do. I’m about as non-capable in the SDK as they come, but even I could go download some fart noises and produce something of equal quality as these people.

    Reality is this – I continue to be amazed by the amount of absolute crap that shows up in the app store. So, here’s the call I’m making right here and right now:

    DEVELOPERS: I am drawing the line with my money. If you’ve determined you’re going to produce a crap app – I’ve determined my money is not going to be spent with you. EVER. I don’t give two shits if EA comes out with a fart app tomorrow. I’m done buying from EA if they do. You think a flag waving application is in your future? Wave goodbye to anything I would have spent on all your products and any chance you would have had of me spending time on a review of it. Countdown application? Be sure to count down the 3 seconds its going to take for me to head back to main page of the app store and away from your crap apps.

    END RANT

    Oh, and I’ll be stepping up to the plate, putting my proverbial money where my mouth is. But be dammed if I’m going to spend this much time learning how to program in Obj. C just to put out a fart application.

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